When it is okay to NOT tell your spouse what you spent on something…

I am not a fan of lying. I am a fan of promoting peace and in a relationship you need to protect and promote the peace. Yet, sometimes there is a real struggle in relationships regarding finances. One spouse loves to save, while one spouse loves to spend. It can lead to a very stressful relationship. I have heard of couples squabbling over everything from purchasing a cup of coffee, to clothing items, to cars. I heard of a story where the couple almost divorced over the purchase of a television.

I am focusing this post on living with a spouse who struggle to spend necessary money. They often have deep rooted fears on living in poverty and want to avoid any spending that would take them on that path. They are prudent spenders and budgets. Yet, they can be impossible to live with. They need to comment, question, and scrutinize every purchase. If your husband falls in this category it can be even more difficult since wives tend to make more purchases since they are often the top spenders in their families in the area of groceries and clothing, both staples. It is emotionally exhausting to have a conversation about EVERY purchase.

Here are five suggestions of you life with someone who struggles to spend necessary money.

Scenario one : Agree on an overall budget, but not an item specific budget.

If you know that spending over $100 on shoes is going to be an issue to your spouse. Then have a frank conversation about having specific clothing and shoes budget. Set a limit on this budget for the year. Then state your wish that you want this to be a budget where the items are not discussed. You can track them (and you should) yet the only conversation regarding this budget should be if the purchases are over or under budget by the end of the year.

If your spouse has difficulty agreeing to this idea. Then you can suggest that he accompany you on all clothing and shoe purchases. Instead of complaining about the cost of shoes, he can now help you to find cheaper shoes. Once “shopping” starts affecting his personal time, I will be pretty surprised if he continues to squawk at your purchases.

However, in order for this type of budget to work, you must be pretty knowledgeable about the clothing items you will need for the year and the relative costs of these items. The worst thing you can do in this situation is to come in at the end of the year over budget. This will send red flags to your spouse and might increase the tension instead of reducing it.

Scenario two: It comes from your personal “allowance” money.

Every relationship requires some autonomy. This includes autonomy in the financial arena. It will greatly reduce your stress . level if you are able to make certain purchases without having to “run them by” your spouse. Mr. Super Frugalette suggested this idea for us and it has worked out splendidly. Please don’t get me wrong. I am not advocating “hiding” things from your spouse. However, I am pointing out that not having to discuss every $10 item you want can be helpful.

These personal allowances can fund hobbies that you enjoy independently or support causes that you find worthy. They can also provide you the necessary funds to start a small business. I used my personal allowance to start the blog Super Frugalette last year.

Scenario three: It is “gift” money or “bonus” money that you have agreed to have full discretion.

Many spouses who struggle with money do not want to be “out of budget”. Thus, by using “gift” money or “bonus” money…money that was unplanned or not intended, most spouses can make peace with not having to have control over decisions made with this “extra” money. Gift money may not be a lot of money but it can function nicely as allowance money.

Scenario four: You bartered to get it.

Bartering should not interfere with an agreed upon budget. Perhaps it is is watching a friend’s kids in exchange for a bottle of wine. I am not suggesting that you barter away the week’s groceries for a pair of shoes. I am suggesting using a skill or talent or opportunity you have to generate income in order procure items that would normally be a source of contention if you went to your partner and stated that you wanted to buy “x, y, or z”.

Scenario five: Consider a small part time job.

If your budget is so tight that your spouse feels the need to scrutinize every purchase, then considering a part time job may ameliorate the financial situation. It may be a situation where the profit from the part time job should become part of the household budget or may be better choice to have one spouse have discretion over the proceeds from a part time job especially if the total is very modest.

Reminder… just because you and your spouse have decided that you do not HAVE to discuss every purchase that does not mean that there are not boundaries. If your purchases are purchases that you would feel uncomfortable having a close friend or family member know about, then it is probably a purchase that needs to be discussed with your partner. Remember that financial infidelity is the willful hiding of crucial financial information. I would deem “crucial” as information that would affect the current decision making process of the family finances. A $20 lipstick would not affect whether or not a family may choose to purchase a car. However, spending $2,000 on a purchase without your spouse’s knowledge may affect a family’s decision to purchase a car.

Do you share every purchase with your spouse? Do you think you should have to share every purchase?